Independent Women – A Man’s Point of View

(This was originally posted on The Butterfly Memoirs Blog on 6/6/12)
A few weeks ago, I posted a blog about the various definitions
of the word independent, and asked for  women’s feedback. What Makes A Woman Independent? received a few interesting comments.

This week, I want to tackle  the subject from a different point of view.

What do men think of an independent woman?

As you know, the subject of the conversation blog posts on this site are direct reflections of the storyline and subject matter represented in the first novel of The Butterfly Memoirs, A Heart Not Easily Broken.  The heroine, Ebony Campbell, is an  independent, goal oriented black woman who knows what she wants.

Over the past seven years she focused on her education and reaching her career goal, not relationships. Her decision is about more than just her need to succeed. Past dating experiences are also a factor. She once dated a man who focused on his career as much as she did, and the relationship worked…until he tells her in order
for to move forward, she would need to give up her aspirations, forget her years of education, marry him, and stay home to have his kids. Needless to say, it was over.

Then, along comes Brian Young. Despite the difference in race, Ebony is drawn to him not only because he is goal oriented and has the same desire to succeed as she does; he’s supportive of what she wants to do in life. He never asks her to give up her job, quit school, or change to a career that is not time-consuming to make room for him. This mindset is the reason why Ebony falls in love with the man Brian is, and ignores their racial differences. The issues face when it comes to their families,or society in general, are inconsequential when finding the support she needs.

I had fun getting to know Brian as I developed his character. Not only is he good-looking, athletic, and an amazing musician, he’s a go-getter. When he decides what he wants, he lets nothing stand in his way.

That’s why when he meets Ebony and she brushes him off, he doesn’t take it personally. Instead, recognizing she is unlike most women he meets – the ones that faun over him because he’s in a band – he goes out of his way to get to know her. Her sassyness, willingness to work hard, the fact she has a plan to reach her dream, are more of a turn on for him than just how fine she is. His idea of a perfect woman is having a partner who will not only support him and his goals, she has her own. He’s tireless in providing Ebony the support she needs, be it verbally, financial, or just giving her some space.

I’ll let him tell you himself:

I listened to her go into detail about her daily work routine. Listening to her speak passionately about something she enjoyed made my day. Her enthusiasm reminded me of the way I felt about music. Women I’d dated before only talked about what they expected from me. It was refreshing to be with a woman with goals.

And my personal favorite:

When I met Ebony, sleeping with her was my initial goal, because hell, it had been impossible to ignore a body like hers. That night I was horny and in need of a release.  If she responded to the free drink, she would have been like any other woman: a quick lay with no strings attached.  But she didn’t.

The way she’d looked me up and down and questioned my intentions threw me way off my ordinary game and into uncharted territory. Up for a challenge, I grabbed hold and refused to let go. The more I got to know her, the more I fantasized and lusted…until now.

And somehow in-between all of this I did the unthinkable and introduced her to my life. My music. My family. Since when did I start introducing women I had only known for a month to my family? Family was sacred. You never brought an unknown element into the center of your life. A rotten influence could disturb the entire balance of what gave you peace in the world.

My slice of perfection. My slice of paradise.

My Eve.

I chuckled. My father described his relationship with my mother that way. And yeah, I confided in him that I thought I’d found ‘the one’. But I had no true idea what that ‘one’ was until now.

Never in my life had I ever been this satisfied after sex and yet still craved more. And the more wasn’t just about sex. I wanted her smile, her company. I wanted her to be just as important in my life as my guitar.

Anything Ebony wanted from me, she could have. My time. My money. My heart.


Brian is not alone. I did a poll recently on Facebook and among the men in my life and asked which they would prefer:

  •    A woman who can take care of herself without being needy.
  •    No, I like being the one to take care of her
  •    I believe in teamwork. If we work together, we can achieve more and be happy.

The results came in as this:  Teamwork. Together we can achieve more and be happy.

Today’s way of life – and let’s face it, the economy – dictates, often demands, a woman wear more
than just the hat of wife, mother, and lover. Sometimes we have to take care of those things and assist our men in taking care of the house financially. It also means men are looking for more than just good looks. Finding a partner who is willing to dig into the trenches with them is one of the most important characteristics they are looking for.

Refreshing isn’t it? Though a good man is often hard to find, remember, he’s out there…somewhere, you just gotta keep looking.

On that note, I will end this blog with a music video that, in my opinion, adequately shows appreciation from a man to his hard working  woman. Enjoy! As always, please share your opinions!

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